Alright, it's over. At least for now. I very much feel like Luke Skywalker after an encounter with the Emperor - thoroughly electrocuted, more than a little battered and mostly just utterly confused. In addition to the severe problems with my memory, the treatment did affect my emotional side (but then again, I believe that was the idea): these last days I've been mostly just fighting back either maniacal laughter or hysterical tears without much in the way of a pause in between.
I mean it. Those of you who know me well are aware of the fact that I am quite emotional, but this is getting ridiculous. Only today and yesterday I've been crying aloud at at least the following:
- an 8-year-old insanely talented boxer girl
- a cat who loves to be thrown on a bed and repeatedly comes back to ask for it
- all of your lovely comments on my Facebook status and several priceless private messages, because let's face it, I love you
- the picture of Cthulhu being awoken from his slumber and utilizing his "snooze" function in irritation (flattening the insulting cultists with his hand)
- the picture of something called Dead Man's Fungus, which basically looks exactly like a zombie digging its way up from beneath the ground
- a piece of news about some accursed idiots robbing archaeological sites with the help of metal detectors (okay, these were more like tears of rage)
- several pictures of animals who are too cute for actual existence
- a Bull Terrier who's getting fed mouth-to-mouth by a little girl and who are both obviously incredibly attached to each other (and the dog is being indescribably gentle)
- Justin Trudeau's mere existence (he's awesome and I'm frankly extremely envious at Canada)
- a letter written by a 5-year-old boy to apologize for stealing a piece of Petrified Forest National Park while returning the stolen piece ("I am only five years old and made a bad mistake" BAAAAAHHHH)
But
then again I have
been laughing myself silly as well, for at least at the following:
- the picture of an axe with the text DO IT printed on it and an accompanying comment which states that this might not be the wisest thing to print on an axe
- my son who's turned into quite a chatterbox in two languages in the past few days, and who's enjoying certain pretty tough Playstation and iPad games at an age where most kids are figuring out 10-piece puzzles
- that picture of Brienne and Tormund and specifically Tormund's facial expression
- Trillian the cat almost setting her Foster Dad John's house on fire (but FDJ telling the story in a characteristically hilarious way)
- all those pictures of animals which didn't make me cry, for example of an ostrich eating peanuts wearing a maniacal expression, and a picture of three very sweet but very different dogs, one of whom is very thin and kind of endlessly confused
- a Siamese fighting fish called Taistelujaska II
So
yeah, if you run into me in the next few days or weeks, you can
expect to see some emotion. Please try to remain calm.
Physically
I'm doing pretty good, except for that battery. I mean, I even look
like I've been wrestling a troll. My left arm is still very much
bruised and a couple of treatments ago I actually woke up to the
screech "TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THAT, MADDIE!"
echoing in my ears, which
turned out to be a very timely warning about not yanking my
anesthesia catheter off and probably tearing my vein in half in the
process. I guess that's the main reason why I'm so blue and black -
I've probably been pulling at my tubes without realizing it every
time I've started to wake up.
Well,
my neck and head are doing a bit better: I can deal with them with
the assistance of normal pain medication now. My jaw has stopped
hurting, thank all the available deities -that
was the very pinnacle of insufferability- as have all the other most
annoying muscles like the ones between my ribs and the ones in my
throat.
My
cognitive abilities... are still a bit worrying. The Fog of Confusion
is as thick as ever, and the problems with my memory are still there
(for example, one of the things I had completely forgotten was what I had written
about in this blog before this entry - I could remember nothing of
the previous texts and even these electrocution entries had
disappeared from my mind, minus their general subject) in addition to
troubles with most of the visual data I've ever memorized. All the
problems I've already mentioned still exist. It's still very tough,
not getting any easier - but I'm still hopeful. At least this is over
now and if my memory is going to fix itself, it will probably start
now.
Another
funny effect I noticed today is the fact that since my memory is now
faulty, I take everything "as is" - meaning that if you
talk to me in a nasty way, my automatic response is that you're
always
like that, even if this is the first time you've ever lost your temper.
It of course also works the opposite way: you might have been a
complete prick throughout our common history, but if you talk nicely to me
now, that's the only thing I'll remember. Might I suggest you
pay attention to this? I could actually even be grateful for some
gentle hoodwinking when it comes to people who might have been nasty to me before (not that I expect any of you have).
The
one thing that's filling me with hope is the energy
I'm feeling. It might not even be available for use yet, but I can
feel it sparkle underneath the surface. I'm going to do everything in
my power to fan those sparks into flame, although it might take a
while. The flipside of it is that I'm constantly feeling extremely
jumpy and concentration is even harder to come by than before, but I'm sure I
can learn to channel it properly with some live-action training. I
still feel like a stranger in my own head, but I guess things can
only look up from now on.
So
- the only way is up, right? Into the dawn!
